Aunt Flo #2

Yup, she arrived in town Wednesday. Full force, mind you. Lovely. That means this cycle was about 7 weeks long. Yeesh.

I'm having a lot more clots than usual, still. Pre-pregancy, I hardly ever had those. I wonder if my body, then, is still recovering from the miscarriage.
My hubby thinks we can try this cycle, cuz it's cycle #3, post-miscarriage. I'm telling him, "No, I think they meant COMPLETE three cycles first." Like, three periods. This is #2. Not start trying again IN cycle #3.

I dunno, now I need to research it more. I have cut down on the junk food and have been trying to eat more healthily. I have plans to Gazelle more often, too, possibly during "What Not To Wear." I need to do better about taking my vitamins, though.
So...we'll see. I suppose there is a chance we could be "trying" again in a few weeks, or it may be another 6-plus weeks away. Or longer!!

And still I have hesitations. There are moments when I can picture us with another child, being a family of four, with Monkey as an older brother. I do want more children, at least in theory!

And then there's the reality of nursing a newborn again, dealing with two car seats and dragging two kids to the grocery store and where everyone would sleep and the expense, not to mention being pregnant and giving birth again...and I go, "I'm not ready." I'm still a little scared. Sex still hurts from Monkey's birth, and that was over 2.5 years ago!! Labor could be awful!! Can I even handle two kids????

So. I don't feel ready. Hubby is!! We're not getting any younger. We're looking at kids well over 3 years apart. Life keeps marching on. Everyone else is handling two and two-plus kids just fine, or so it seems.
Ultimately, it's in the Lord's hands.
We shall see.

Weirdly

For two days now, I've felt fairly crumby and had a slight back ache and cramps. No clue why cuz I still have a lot of fluid. UGH. Today I was so exhausted after work that I left Monkey in front of the Tv and went to bed. Thankfully, he fell asleep on his own soon thereafter. Why doesn't he want to nap when I'm tired????

Goodness

Still no period.
I get so tired of fluid, y'know? I'm not charting--just "aware." Yesterday, it hit me in the leg, no kidding. And today I've had pains in the ovary area. Maybe I ovulated!! Which will put this cycle at about 6 weeks (40-some-odd days) long. Not as bad as some of mine have been--but not great.
Confession.
When I was hoping and trying to get pregnant back in March/April, I was taking super-good care of myself, eating well tracking my nutritional requirements and taking my vitamins. After the miscarriage, it was like, "Why bother now??" so I gave myself permission to eat whatever I wanted and stop taking care of myself.
Now I look like I'm five months pregnant. I look more pregnant than I would now if I really were pregnant!! Ugh.
My SIL's (now ex) boyfriend doesn't know I miscarried, unless he compliments all women with, "You are just glowing," or "You look so cute," and pats their flabby belly. It is embarrassing but we're always at church when this happens so I never feel like going into it. Not fun. Tops with empire waists are IN right now!!! It's not maternity wear!!!
In other news, my oldest, dearest friend is pregnant and due around Valentine's Day. I'm super-thrilled!! It'll be her second. She's only about ten weeks along so you bet I'm praying super-hard for the health of her and her baby!! Those early days are so very fragile. Babies are miracles!!
Even if we could start trying again tomorrow, I'm just not quite "there yet." I don't have that burning desire, that yearning for a baby. Maybe it's the heat. It makes doing virtually anything ten times more laborious.
We're gonna pray about it as far as timing but ultimately, of course, God is in control. We trust His timing. I just hate waiting.
I have a feeling we might be waiting a while. If I have one more 6-week cycle, assuming this one will be...we wouldn't be looking at conceiving until mid-September at the earliest, which would put me due in June. Yow-za!! At least we'd be indoors for the first couple months, anyway!! But a June baby isn't so appealing. A July, August of September baby isn't at the top of my list, either!!
Bet I won't be as picky this time, though. Hmm.

Another month later

Well, we're almost two months post-miscarriage and no second period yet. I'll count the last one starting June 13 cuz I remember it did set in pretty heavy right after I posted last. So now we're almost a month more and I've still got seemingly-fertile fluid and no period yet. I've had fertile fluid off and on for a few weeks now. It may be a delayed ovulation. I'm either pregnant, my hormones are off-kilter or I'm pre-ovulation. Nice and confusing.
I kinda wish I'd have been obviously fertile and obviously dry, so I could be expecting my period soon. Really, I should be charting like a good girl. My thermometer IS next to the bed now--so tomorrow I will see if my temps are high. I bet I'm pre-ov and my body is just taking its time. Which means waiting even longer before we "try" again. Great.
I had a stomach bug all weekend, which I had right before I got pregnant with Monkey, oddly enough. My belly is soooo sensitive. Now I'm motivated to get healthy again and be more consistent with my vitamins, etc. to increase my fertility. Probably need to cut back on the cookies, eh?

Full force

Wow. Sometimes things still hit me, like, "I actually graduated from college!" I still dream about forgetting about a big test or going to class with no shoes on. Or, "I'm married!" or "I'm someone's mother!" Well, my new one is "I can't believe I actually had a miscarriage."
Mother's Day marked the worst of it, with the next day (May 12) being THE DAY the pregnancy was officially over. So, here it is exactly a month later and I've been spotting a little bit for about a week now. Not like I spotted in past cycles, definitely still "different." Streaky, bloody, red. I keep thinking I'll start my period at any given moment but so far, just spotting.
So it'll be interesting to see how this cycle pans out. "My first cycle after my miscarriage." See? I still can't really believe it.
My hubby and I haven't exactly been "careful," so that's an additional worry. It seemed like I was fertile maybe two weeks back but I'm not charting so I don't know if I ovulated. If the bleedin continues and stays this light, I'd guess an annovulatory cycle, which wouldn't be surprising. I can understand why it's recommended to wait three cycles--my body is definitely taking its time getting back to normal. But I was never that normal to begin with, so it works!!
As always, time will tell. I really should start charting again so I know what's going on. Good thing I printed extras last time.

God un-did it

We "did it," yes. We fertilized an egg. Our midwife believes it was a "blighted ovum," meaning a fertilized egg that never actually develops into an embryo. The sac and placenta develop and your body thinks its pregnant--but there's no baby. So your body eventually gets a clue and purges it out.
So, yes, I have miscarried. I am a woman who has had a miscarriage. I didn't think it would happen to me. ME. Just like planning a home birth and ending up in the hospital was a crushing disappointment (I never thought THAT would happen to ME, either), this is a huge blow. Evidently it really can happen to anyone--and has happened to dozens of women I know, that I never knew about until now. Wow.
It is heinous. That's my word for what miscarriage is. Heinous. That's what I've been dealing with for a week now--and finally purged what seemed like the last of it this morning, when I would have started my 7th week of pregnancy.
I was about to begin my 6th week when all of this started with a bad dream, chills and a stomach ache Sunday night the 4th. I started spotting on Monday then it continued lightly until Friday morning. My midwife assured me that a little brown or pink spotting was normal. Then Friday, I woke up to blood. I knew something was wrong. And it just got worse from there.
The blood flow increased and the pain increased. Friday evening through Saturday was when it was at its worst--cramping, back ache and nausea. Saturday I spent the day on the couch in agony. I knew it was over. The pregnancy was over. I cried in the shower. Sobbed.
Sunday I felt better, although still felt weak and had no appetite. Sunday night was difficult but I seemed to have acquired a stomach bug along the way, to add insult to injury. I wondered if I was "done," or if it would get worse.
Then this morning, I passed a massive chunk of tissue in one big "plop" in the toilet. Wow. I thought, "Well, there ya go." I've felt much better since and the stomach bug is getting better, too.
So many women have been through this and I never knew. Many, multiple times. I now really appreciate the women who have been honest about it and shared their experiences. Not that I expect ladies to go around talking openly about it all the time--but admitting it does take courage. And it helps women like me know they're not alone.
That's going to be my place now. An encourager to women that I hear about who are going through it. It truly can happen to anyone. You are not alone. It's not the end of the world. It is heinous, indeed. Yet life goes on.
Perhaps this blog can serve that purpose to someone--knowing someone else has been there. I hope I can help another woman on her journey.
And our journey will continue! We expect to try to get pregnant again as soon as we get the go-ahead and feel up to it. We are very sad and disappointed but we know God is in control. We know we will have more children. Only God knows the details.

We did it!!!!!

I'M PREGNANT!!!! I actually can't believe it, reading back over the last few entries. I guess I was feeling pretty sure. Or at least hopeful. And, YES, it "took." I don't feel silly at all!! :)
We ere suspicious toward the end of last week so I was taking a cheapy pregnancy test every day...Wednesday, Thursday, Friday AND Saturday's were nagative. Then...Sunday morning, it was there, but definitely faint. I tortured myself all day and when I mentioned it to our home group, the ladies said, "Faint means you are!!" So...I got a more expensive test afterward and, since there were two in the pack, took one Sunday night and, yes, positive. Still light! But there. Which counts, evidently.
So Monday morning, I was eager to test again. High temp--check. No AF--check. Pregnancy test? Positive. Undeniably. It didn't come out well in the picture, but my SIL and The Paladin confirmed my suspicions. My husband acted so UNsurprised. He had told me, "It'll happen soon," but...first try??? Come on!! I could hardly believe it. No waiting and wondering?? Ooooooh, do I feel blessed!!!
My temps are even higher now so progesterone levels seem to be just fine. I'm feeling a little tired and crabby but nothing major. I've got a mega shopping list going since I'm now in a "critical phase" of baby development. Eating well is no problem for me and I'm even kind of over-eating, assuming I'll feel yucky any day now and have a harder time getting all the nutrients I need. In the early part of Monkey's pregnancy, all I wanted was spaghetti o's and crackers for lunch aand lots and lots of grape juice. No cravings yet...but I'm definitely more sensitive to smells now so that makes it harder. My bananas can't be mushy, either. Blech.
So...here I am. Preggers. It actually worked. And the first time trying!! I am amazed.
Here's the vital info.:
I'm just a month along now. My weeks start on Monday, so that's convenient!! Hey, I'm a third of the way through the first trimester!! :) I remember someone telling me that with Monkey and I felt strangely relieved about that.
My due date is a little disappointing. I didn't think it would "take" so soon, so I was counting on not having a baby until 2009! My due date, based on almost every source, is the end of December. Dec. 28th to be exact. Now, Monkey was born 6 days after my due date but I've heard that second babies often come sooner. So we're definitely going to be on pins and needles as the holidays approach. I'm going to need a lot of very BIG, dressy maternity clothes for all of our festivities!! And there's always the chance the baby will be born on Christmas day, NY Eve or NY Day! Yikes!! That'd be quite a way to ring in the new year!! Or it could be early January. No matter what, it'll make birthday parties difficult, just like for the rest of us.
But...I'm not complaining!! I'll take that over having had to wait another however many months ANY day. I hate the waiting!! God must've just been waiting for us to synch up with His plan. Or He's just blessing me, knowing how the waiting makes me crazy.
Monkey will be just over 3 years old, which is lovely. Potty trained and Mom's big helper! Love it!
We've got a lot of planning to do...lots to do.
I'm so excited!!