God un-did it

We "did it," yes. We fertilized an egg. Our midwife believes it was a "blighted ovum," meaning a fertilized egg that never actually develops into an embryo. The sac and placenta develop and your body thinks its pregnant--but there's no baby. So your body eventually gets a clue and purges it out.
So, yes, I have miscarried. I am a woman who has had a miscarriage. I didn't think it would happen to me. ME. Just like planning a home birth and ending up in the hospital was a crushing disappointment (I never thought THAT would happen to ME, either), this is a huge blow. Evidently it really can happen to anyone--and has happened to dozens of women I know, that I never knew about until now. Wow.
It is heinous. That's my word for what miscarriage is. Heinous. That's what I've been dealing with for a week now--and finally purged what seemed like the last of it this morning, when I would have started my 7th week of pregnancy.
I was about to begin my 6th week when all of this started with a bad dream, chills and a stomach ache Sunday night the 4th. I started spotting on Monday then it continued lightly until Friday morning. My midwife assured me that a little brown or pink spotting was normal. Then Friday, I woke up to blood. I knew something was wrong. And it just got worse from there.
The blood flow increased and the pain increased. Friday evening through Saturday was when it was at its worst--cramping, back ache and nausea. Saturday I spent the day on the couch in agony. I knew it was over. The pregnancy was over. I cried in the shower. Sobbed.
Sunday I felt better, although still felt weak and had no appetite. Sunday night was difficult but I seemed to have acquired a stomach bug along the way, to add insult to injury. I wondered if I was "done," or if it would get worse.
Then this morning, I passed a massive chunk of tissue in one big "plop" in the toilet. Wow. I thought, "Well, there ya go." I've felt much better since and the stomach bug is getting better, too.
So many women have been through this and I never knew. Many, multiple times. I now really appreciate the women who have been honest about it and shared their experiences. Not that I expect ladies to go around talking openly about it all the time--but admitting it does take courage. And it helps women like me know they're not alone.
That's going to be my place now. An encourager to women that I hear about who are going through it. It truly can happen to anyone. You are not alone. It's not the end of the world. It is heinous, indeed. Yet life goes on.
Perhaps this blog can serve that purpose to someone--knowing someone else has been there. I hope I can help another woman on her journey.
And our journey will continue! We expect to try to get pregnant again as soon as we get the go-ahead and feel up to it. We are very sad and disappointed but we know God is in control. We know we will have more children. Only God knows the details.